


another soul to cling to

by ephemeral_vitality



Series: another soul to cling to (markbum) [1]
Category: GOT7
Genre: 1960s, Alternate Universe - 1960s, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Boarding School, Drug Use, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Jackson is a couple months older than Jaebum, M/M, Markbum, Non-Graphic Smut, Recreational Drug Use, Roommates, Sad, Secret Relationship, Soft Im Jaebum | JB, The ages are messed up a lil, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use, Vietnam War, but they’re not like super underage, if u wanna be all technical about the draft, theyre 17
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-07-11
Packaged: 2019-06-08 17:50:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15248661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ephemeral_vitality/pseuds/ephemeral_vitality
Summary: “I wanted us to stay as we were, right where we were meant to be. Jaebum the well-known, boisterous athlete and I his inverse roommate, mind occupied with academics and luxury.Some things could never stay the same. That's one thing we knew too well at the end of that spring where we lay under the last of the cherry blossoms, watching them flutter down with a bundle of sharp green leaves in their wake.”((Mark Tuan is obsessed with people and things that don’t last long, because he never wants to hold on to something that he’d need to let go. His roommate Im Jaebum, it seems, exists solely to dispel that part of Mark until he doubts who he is, and who he used to be.))∞ Mark’s POV (first person)❧ Prep School AU∞ Roomate AU❧ Time Period: 1969





	1. AUTUMN.

**Author's Note:**

> this comes in three chapters:
> 
> AUTUMN
> 
> WINTER
> 
> SPRING
> 
> and I’m writing as I upload so be prepared for inconsistent updates haha but it’s only three chapters SOOO it won’t take many years to get this written out haha! Hope you enjoy! It’s very cheesy but idk i rly like it. (I missed writing and also I BROKE MY MAC so I’m struggling on mobile)

I arrived in the late summer at Hemlock Academy, just as the leaves began to dry in preparation for autumn; the grass was still green and the sun was still beaming down on the Earth. Hemlock was beautiful that time of year. The gentle breeze moved through groups of conversing boys as they walked around campus. Underneath the clear sky, they laughed together, ready to begin another year.

That's where I met him. I think now's a good time to mention that I was enamored with lovely things- beautiful, temporary things. Things I knew wouldn't last, because it was easier to let them fade than it was to keep up with them. I loved the night sky and how it would eventually be overtaken by the sunrise, the chirping birds that would inevitably go south, the full green leaves and their ephemeral vitality. I loved people who moved quickly, whose lives were comprised of the desire for more, always ready to go on to the next.

Im Jaebum wasn't one of those people. Not as much as he led on to be. He was one of those people just enough to reel me in, just enough to get me to realize that it wasn't what I truly wanted.

I was relieved to have such a roommate. The thing with Jaebum was that everyone knew him, whether they cared to or not. He had the type of voice that made it feel as though whoever he was talking to was the son of God, or something equally as respectable. He had an innate humility while still carrying himself with intense dignity.

Over the year, due to the respect and care that he gave me, he made me believe that I truly required such things. That, somehow I was more important than life itself, as his roommate. I never could understand why he regarded me that way. Maybe he saw promise and warmth in my eyes the same way I saw the night sky and the birds and the full green leaves within his.

We stayed up all night on several occasions, Jaebum making sure that it was always on a Saturday so that I could sleep in the next morning without having to study. Where I had academics, Jaebum had sports as his main reason for studying at Hemlock. He'd been there the full four years, allowing him to be captain of the sports he'd played, his name proudly engraved into several places on the school.

One particularly cloudy day he decided it was the time for another trip to Killbourne, a city an hour away from our school.We went there often to have fun despite our important academics. I never said no to any of his ideas because they usually had a purpose. He went on and on about how he wouldn't tell my parents that I skipped the class dinner on Saturday night as we packed our suitcases.

"And if you feel so inclined, Mark, we can stop at that small bookshop you enjoy so much," he declared proudly but quietly that night on the train. There was only a man reading a newspaper and a woman smoking and though they didn't seem like they were particularly interested in our conversation or noise level, Jaebum still kept quiet. I sighed, looking through the window and into the dark sky.

"I brought my math book along," I said aimlessly as I hoped for light conversation. Jaebum chuckled and rolled his eyes.

"For a couple of nights, you can't even take a break."

"It's a miracle I'm even here, so you ought to feel glad," I teased sarcastically, watching him puff out his chest and furrow his eyebrows comically.

"I truly am. It's an honorable pleasure, Mark Tuan, to sit next to you on this train bound for an expedition only made enjoyable by your noble presence."

"Oh, shut it, will you?" I whispered, bowing my head in a shy laugh. By then, I considered him a close friend. I felt my cheeks heat up as he let out a satisfied chuckle. He leaned in closer, glancing at the two other passengers before whispering close in my ear.

"I've nothing more to say."

His words directly contradicted his disposition. Where they implied transience, his unwavering devotion expelled permanence. Im Jaebum was someone that I could only wish to be like.

We arrived in Killbourne just before midnight, Jaebum naturally leading the way despite the city's familiarity to the both of us.

In the hotel, we wasted little time. Our bags were dropped onto the bed, and in a quick rush I was throwing my blazer off of myself. We disguised our ages with the absence of our school uniforms. As I combed my hair, I looked at Jaebum in the mirror. Still in his uniform, he studied a map of the city, looking at the places we'd go.

"You aren't going to keep me waiting, are you?" I asked, looking over my shoulder. He knew it was a joke, a smile emerging from his focused visage. I would've had gone to sleep long before that time, but the thought of missing any amount of time with Jaebum was enough to keep me awake.

"We'll make a visit to Junho, alright?"

"Fine by me," I responded. He nodded as he stood up to open his bag. I walked to the door of the room and quietly waited for him to change. Looking back over my shoulder, I watched him carefully put on his black button-up shirt as the fabric gently creased over the definition of his arms and chest. I looked intently, admiring the dark shirt which he reserved for nights in Killbourne, nights with no teachers or coaches or other students in sight. Nights with me.

Jaebum looked up with a wide smile. His voice was calming and clear.

"Ready?"

"As much as I can be."

It was close enough for us to be able to walk. We stormed the city streets, arms linked and smiles bright as we got ready for unforeseen events. It was always a new night when Jaebum took me to one of our adventures.

I knew Lee Junho and his garish ways from our  fortnightly visits. He was a few years older, and had money to burn. He had a big house that he liked to use for weekend festivities, but other times he'd buy a bar or hotel ballroom for a night. Jaebum liked for me to be there, so that for once I wasn't worrying about school. But because I'm Mark Tuan, I always found something else to worry about. That night, and for all the subsequent nights, I'd find that my biggest worry would become Jaebum.

It started out with a divine entrance, people immediately throwing their arms around Jaebum and I's shoulders. They regarded him highly, and in turn, I was up there as well. As soon as Jaebum was able to get me upstairs into a mostly-empty room, Junho found us and greeted us with a smile.

He always had something in store, something that could get our hearts racing and our minds spiraling. This time it came in the form of a small rolled cigarette.

My hand shot out to grab it before the other few partygoers in the room had a chance to. I knew how it worked there. Jaebum opened his mouth to speak but I unintentionally cut him off.

"What's this?" I asked quietly as I turned to look at the top of the cigarette. "Marijuana?" Junho laughed at the name that I used as he backed out of the room, having been pulled back to the living room by his friends.

"I'll leave you guys to it, then!" He shouted as he succumbed to their efforts.

Jaebum looked at me curiously. I smiled as I handed it to him.

"You try it. It's not my style," I said.

He felt around for a spare lighter, spotting one farther up on the bed. I watched him as he placed the reefer in between his lips, lighting the end of it swiftly and taking a long drag as his his eyes fluttered closed. I admired the way he let the smoke out slowly, opening his eyes to look back at me.

I had no time to protest as he quickly put it into my mouth, encouraging me to smoke. It still wasn't my style, but if Im Jaebum wanted me to do it, I did it. As I said before, everything he wanted to do had a purpose. 

I felt the smoke enter my lungs momentarily before I expelled it all in a loud, scratchy cough to the surprise of the others in the room. Jaebum laughed and told me to try again, which I successfully did. We continued to share the joint until it was gone, and by then I began to feel the lethargy catching up to me as my head fell to Jaebum's shoulder. 

His hand found mine and he laughed at me for getting sleepy, the sound louder than it should've been. I whispered for him to be quiet, and he whispered that he would, head resting gently against mine.

Then I said something else to him but it slipped my mind right after. It was the sheer joy that I felt despite not showing it on the outside. He repeated my words back to me, and the way his gentle voice sounded made it seem as though the phrase was dancing on the surface of my arms. I looked up and giggled into the tender skin of his neck.

I took a peek at his face, his sharp eyes and soft smile. He had a potential beauty that made my heart shake with expectation. 

"If you want to sleep, you should," he said, and before I knew it I was asleep against him.

I woke up in the bed to see that a lot more people were in the bedroom than there were before. Jaebum wasn't next to me. There was a wild screaming coming from the groups of people in the room, curses being thrown here and there. I caught a glimpse of Jackson Wang, who was yelling at Junho, strong hands gripping his collar.

"Why'd you do it?" Jackson screamed at him, making my head split with pain. I could tell that he'd had a lot to drink. What I didn't notice right away, however, were the tears streaming down his face. "If you weren't a fucking coward, I wouldn't have had to go!"

I drifted off again, the words reverberating in my ears. When I woke up, I saw the same scene, only this time Jackson and Junho were fighting as the other guests tried to break them up.

Jackson Wang was one of our close friends and he was a part of most of Jaebum's athletic teams. He had everything going for him at Hemlock, and was on a direct path to a full scholarship to his top choice of university. He had a family who loved him dearly, as did Junho, Jaebum, and I.

"Tell them that your leg is okay! You deserve to go there," he spat, dodging a punch from Junho. His voice fell to a desperate whisper amongst the quiet commotion of the crowd. "Junho, I don’t wanna go. I’m scared.”

Just then, Jaebum ran into the room, grabbing Jackson by the waist. My eyes began to close, but as soon as I heard Jaebum's pained scream, I was up on my feet.

He was on the ground, grabbing his wrist tightly. Jackson turned around to see that it was Jaebum who he unintentionally hurt in the struggle. I watched as Jackson tried to approach him, apologizing profusely.

"JB, are you alright? I'm so sorry," he said. Jaebum put a hand up to stop Jackson from getting any closer.

"It's fine, Jackson. Just a little sprain is all. I've had worse during the soccer season. It's about time for me to get going, anyway."

He stood up slowly, giving a small smile to the shocked onlookers. Junho, who was sitting on the floor with an angry expression, was now up on his feet, hand patting Jaebum's shoulder.

I never was one to intervene or to bring myself into the spotlight, that was Jaebum's job. But I quickly went to him as the crowd began to dissipate into the quiet house, watching Junho flash me a quick grin.

Junho ruffled Jackson's hair and led him out of the room while apologizing. Having been the only one injured in the struggle, Jaebum made some stupid joke as he watched the two of them exit.

"We need to go to a hospital," I said, taking his wrist into my hands.

"Junho probably has something in his bathroom. It's happened before, don't you worry too much," His voice was unbalanced and concerned. I tried desperately to meet his eyes. 

"What was it? Is Jackson alright?"

Silently, Jaebum looked down.

From the bits and pieces of the fight that I heard, I had a pretty good idea of what Jackson was talking about and it made my stomach feel sick. We wanted to care for Jackson. In his everyday life, he had nothing but love to give to Junho, Jaebum, and I.

We were up in the bathroom when I saw the blood on Jaebum's face. I gasped and he smiled cheekily. 

"Nicked my eyebrow on some shelf during the fall," he explained as I opened the cupboard for some bandages. He rested against the countertop. 

Carefully, I patched up the cut and cleaned the blood off of his cheek as he looked down at my face. It was difficult to stay focused as I wiped the blood around his intense eye.

He didn't say much then, which was surprising as it was the perfect time for him to tease me. I slowly wrapped his wrist up for him and he closed and opened his hand a few times to test my work.

"Nice job," he winced as he rested it back onto his thigh. I studied his calm eyes, how unfazed he seemed by the whole thing. On to the next.

Later in our hotel room, I was helping him by unbuttoning his shirt for him, eyes habitually glancing at his wrist to make sure it was fine. As I got to the final button, I let my gaze linger on his bare chest, feeling a growing intensity in the heat between my face and his body.

His chest dipped as he chuckled lightly above me, and suddenly his good hand was underneath my chin. For a moment, it hit me. That if anything were to happen to Jaebum, that if he were to go away and be as temporary as I claimed to have wanted him to be, I would lose my mind. It also hit me that it was only a matter of time until he was on to the next.

He quietly said my name, he looked me in the eyes, and his face inched closer and closer towards mine. 

And then he did something that we wouldn't speak of for a long time.


	2. WINTER.

The days went by quickly because he was by my side. Soon the autumn leaves all fell and the snowfall took their place; it was beautiful at Hemlock during the winter and there was still all the time left in the world for us, it seemed. The cold weather held everything in place as a thick silence fell early each night.

By that time, Jackson was in the middle of the Vietnam war. He, like many others, didn't want to be there and was hoping for a way out, perhaps a change of heart from the big men in charge. Junho never forgave himself for his evasion of his draft, because if he had gone then maybe Jackson wouldn't have had to. It probably wasn't the case, but it put one fewer person between Jackson and the draft. The way he said goodbye, it was as if we'd never see him again. Luckily, it wasn't the case.

Jaebum and I, we spent a lot of time outside during the winter, and we'd even go off of campus into the woods to take in the sights and sounds of nature. We had a spot where we sat, a group of big rocks that stood in a way which made them partially shield us from the cold.

That's where we were during lunchtime on a snowy day. We were still freezing, but our proximity somewhat fixed that problem.

Among other things, our plans for the break were discussed. Jaebum mentioned going to visit home, and his reluctance to it.

"My father's kind of adamant about me sticking to his image of a perfect son," he stated, the light never leaving his eyes. "Of course, I'm not at all what he wanted me to be, but he doesn't really know that yet. But he'll come around, I think."

"I think he should be proud of you," I aimlessly said, watching Jaebum's face become red out of warmth instead of the cold. I felt a blush creep up to my ears as his joyful voice rang out in the silent forest.

"That makes two of us," he giggled. 

The frigid air should've changed us for the worse, but it made me all the more fond of him. The colder it got, the more we looked to each other for warmth and comfort. The more we realized that what we needed the most was each other.

It was wrong. But it didn't _feel_ wrong to me. Jaebum was a person whom my heart valued greatly, and nothing else mattered. That was the vast extent to our relation; nothing else mattered. The world could've been on fire around us but all that meant anything was his gaze meeting mine as we spoke and the perpetual distance between our lips.

"What time is it?" He asked abruptly, a concerned tone in his voice. I felt my own eyes widen as I looked down at my watch. 

"We have two minutes to get to next period," I gasped out.

In a wild frenzy, we were packing up our things, running through the snowy woods and laughing until our lungs were on fire. We made it just in the nick of time and narrowly avoided running into the director of the math department on our way to our respective classes.

"See you later," he breathed out in the hallway, resting against a wall of lockers and wiping the sweat off his brow. Something about him in that moment made my heart skip a beat. It was like I could feel his bright smile on my skin. I smiled back, turning towards my classroom door.

That night as the two of us sat together in the common hall of our residential building, reading books in separate chairs by the fireplace, he cleared his throat to get my attention. Curfew was approaching; that was when he liked for us to do things we weren’t supposed to.

I finished the sentence I was on, looking up at him across from me. He picked his bag up from the floor and reached in. I knew there was some stupid reason that he'd brought it as soon as he removed the bottle of whiskey.

"You're insane," I whispered, looking around for any teachers or other boys. He moved his eyebrows up and down as he took two glasses from his bag.

"Am I?" Jaebum teased, watching the way I gazed at the alcohol with curiosity. "You've gotten very drunk before, I know that," he said. "But how about the two of us? Just us?" 

My face felt hot under the flames of the fireplace. It felt hotter under his intense stare. He filled a glass halfway.

"W-what do you mean?"

"It doesn't have to be quick and crazy all the time," he murmured, looking me in the eyes as he handed the glass to me. "You can slow down once in a while and enjoy it."

I nodded, accepting the drink gratefully. I waited for him to drink before I took a sip. He saw right through me and my desire for impermanence.

We drank until all of the alcohol was gone, paying little attention towards any potential witnesses to our small crime as people began to go to sleep.

We sat side by side on the floor in front of the fire, the effect of the alcohol making me feel even warmer, and Jaebum's proximity infinitely so.

In the moment, the Christmas lights that were strung up around Hemlock were more beautiful than I originally thought them to be. The words at the tip of my tongue brought back the sense I had that night in Killbourne several months ago, when Jaebum had done the unspeakable.

I wanted to do it, too.

It was overwhelming. The way he looked as he talked about mundane things, the light of the fire dancing on his face, living in his eyes. For a moment I was lost, and I think it was one of the best moments of my life.

"Jaebum-" I stuttered out, and he stopped talking, confused at the interruption. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I have the keenest interest in- in kissing you."

He blinked a few times, confusion more apparent as he opened his mouth to speak then shut it again.

"W-what?" He asked as he looked around the hall. 

"Kiss me," I said quickly, as if giving him any more time would allow him an opportunity to change his mind.

He let out that famous chuckle of his, looking down at his hands shyly before confidence struck him again.

"Well, well, Mark Tuan. Where's this coming from?"

"Your intentions. The way that you speak to me," I moved closer, voice dropping to barely a whisper. "It's like all that you do is to draw me in."

I stared at his lips while they contorted into a wide grin, my breath faltering. I lost my balance, my upper body falling into his and weight shifting to my hand as it rested on his chest. Jaebum held me, thumbs rubbing my upper arms with care as I looked up.

"Do it, then," he murmured, seemingly as taken as I was. "Kiss me."

So I did.

This time, it wasn't going to be something I brushed off and excused as a wonderful mistake. I made it last, I was not going to let it become a fleeting paradise.

I felt him smile for what seemed like the tenth time that second.

"Taking your time, huh?" He chuckled into the kiss, silenced by my lips as my hand clasped his jaw gently. "This is an interesting side of you, Mark."

Though I took my time, I wasn't going to waste it. Every moment with him was surrounded in unwanted transience.

"I think that I like you," I said as I pulled back, meeting his sincere eyes. The dying fire was still moving in them. "I...really, really like you."

"And it had to be said?" Jaebum asked in wonder and I nodded. I watched as his face turned a deeper shade of red, shyly laughing. He made it quick. "Well, me too. A little too much. You ought to be careful," he said gingerly, stealing another quick kiss and sending me reeling as he got to his feet, nodding towards our dorm. "Let's go get some rest."

It wasn't necessary. I didn't need to proclaim my feelings, it was already said in the way I clung to him as though he were my last breath. He preferred for it to remain unspoken, further bringing a fleeting feeling to the two of us.

We slept that night with our hands linked loosely in the space between our two beds, never wanting to let go.

The next morning, Jaebum was off to see his family. It was an important event, and I could tell that from the coat that he wore. It was the coat he wore when he was going to see the headmaster for a reward he'd received, and it was the coat he wore for off-campus meetings with his coach and the other team captains.  It was long and navy blue, and it gave him confidence when he needed to address someone who he thought he was unworthy of speaking to.

I sent him off with careful words, buttoning his infamous coat slowly to stall and keep him there longer. He smiled, silently laughing at my somber expression.

"Chin up, you're acting like I'm going to war or something," he remarked, and the realization came that the next time we saw each other he'd be old enough to do so. Jaebum used his thumb and forefinger to move my chin upwards, eyes meeting mine.

It would've been the perfect moment for a kiss, but I decided against it. We just weren't like that. Not then. I watched the idea run through his mind, his hand lingering on my chin for a bit. His thumb moved up to stroke my cheek.

"Try to have fun, alright?" I whispered, trying to desperately freeze time.

"I'll have fun. I'll have so much fun. I'll take the first girl I see and I'll fall in love with her and I'll never come back here again," he joked to my annoyance.

"Please do that," I joked right back, my eyes tracking him towards the door. He turned over his shoulder and shot a smile through my heart, and then he was off.

A day later, it was my time to go home for the break, but Jaebum and I took advantage of the one-hour train ride in between us and were able to fit a visit or two in the week-long vacation.

When he came back, however, something didn't seem right with him. He carried himself with an intensified rigor, a certain stiffness in his demeanor.

"You're eighteen now, yeah? Acting like a man already are we?"

 I watched his profile as his eyes widened while he wiped down a desk. That week was our dormitory's turn to clean the school.

"You sound like my father," he mumbled. His voice had a painful rasp to it near the end of his sentence, indicating that I hit a nerve.

"Tell me," I said quietly, looking at the other boys in the room. "What's the matter?"

"I'm eighteen. That's the matter."

I didn't know it then, but Jaebum and his father had a talk about his age. The first thing that Jaebum did the morning of his eighteenth birthday was register for the draft. Had he not loved Hemlock so dearly, his father would've had him volunteer.

Just like that, his innocent days were placed ever so carefully on a precarious path, teetering between happiness and unrelenting fear. My own birthday having happened, I tried hard not to think about it.

But I was allowed time before registering. I was allowed preparation and thought. Jaebum was a peaceful, beautiful soul that was thrown into the void that exemplified being a man.

I didn't think it then, but looking back, Jaebum was terrified. He was full of anxiety and anger, and he hid it by forcing a sharp exterior after that visit. Deep down I'd always been afraid that he didn't want to hold on to me anymore just in case he'd have to let go later on.

It happened a month later. We were sitting in the common area, I was reading my book. He returned to his chair with a small handful of mail for the both of us. He and I both received letters from home, both some student catalogues and brochures from the headmaster. One thing I didn't have that he did, however, was a slick, long envelope with a circular seal in the corner.

I paid no attention to it and continued reading until the pause that came after the pensive sound of ripping paper. It lasted a long time; I could feel the shift in the air as his breath caught. I looked at him over the top of my book, seeing the words lit up by the fireplace through the paper. Reading backwards, I could make out the words _Selective Service System_ at the center of the top of the page.

"Surely it's not..." I breathed out, looking as his sharp eyes scanned the letter- I knew what it was.

Suddenly our relationship had a deadline.

In a life lived through my eyes, through this selfish desire for brevity, I needed another soul to cling to. That soul was Im Jaebum. To have him taken away against my will would ruin every part of who I was.

I shut my book, sitting up and approaching him. The paper was shaking as I read it, my nervous eyes avoiding Jaebum's name at the top:

You are hereby ordered to present yourself for Armed Forces Physical Examination... 23rd of March, 1969...

If found eligible, your service in the Armed Forces will commence on the 31st of June, 1969...

If found eligible, you will complete service for a full 365 days and must be available to report for service up to 6 months thereafter...

June 31st.

There was a confirmed end, an undeniable and ugly truth that would be felt every day until then. I felt a shaky breath escape my mouth, throat dry and painful. It was going to change who we were. It was going to effect every aspect of how we behaved and how we treated each other- for better or for worse.

He slowly folded up the letter to prevent me from reading any further, pulling me down to stroke my hair and hold me close. I looked around for anyone who might see but I don't think he cared at the time. 

"Forget it," he whispered into my ear. "Just forget about it now."

He said that he had to go to Vietnam. That he couldn't risk not going- not because of his fear of imprisonment, but because avoiding the war was an embarrassment for anyone except Lee Junho. It was his call of duty, his proof of manhood, his ultimate token of courage.

But the greatest exhibition of courage that he could've shown was to stay there in the safe walls of Hemlock with me. To not give in to that. To not spill honorable blood for a deplorable war, and how I wish he'd known that.

He did things I never thought he'd do, just in case it would be his last time doing them. He held on to me a little bit tighter, stared at me a little longer, spent a little more time listening to my voice as the days went on. 

Somewhere along the line, I began to feel confirmation that he was, in fact, leaving me.

It was positively the worst thing I might have ever felt. 

We forgot about it. _He_ forgot about it. I worried and cried alone when he was out at practice, but it all came out one night where I let my fears get the best of me. On a dismal Thursday night as I waited for him to come back, pacing around our dorm, I wanted to make one final attempt at keeping him.

"J-Jaebum," I shuddered out, tears streaming down my face as soon as he opened the door to our room. "You can't go."

He still had on his uniform, his bag slung over his shoulder. With curious eyes, he sat down on his desk chair, listening.

"You can't," I said with greater urgency. "Tell them that you have a condition- I don't know, epilepsy." 

He failed to meet my stare. He felt shame for not being able to stay for me.

"Pretend you hurt your leg, Junho did it. And if there are no other options...tell them that you love me," I whispered, almost pitifully. I didn't realize that would be the first time I implied it, in the middle of my desperation to keep him with me, just as I was losing him.

He shut his eyes and sighed, putting his head in his hands.

"Mark, you have to do this for me," he said. "You have to be fine."

"But you _do_ love me," I sobbed quickly, kneeling beside him and taking his hand. It was like I was trying to convince him. "You _do_."

He didn't say much. I felt more tears pool up in my eyes. My heart was on fire in the worst possible way, the cold winter snow was in no place to help cool it. The silent winter nights became almost painful, a heavy reminder of my potential solitude. My voice shook as I spoke again.

"They don't allow it in the Army. Th-they won't allow people like us. So you have to love me. So that you can stay." 

"I'm not gonna bring you into this," he shook his head. There was a fearful imbalance in his voice. "They punish people for that."

"Jaebum," I pleaded. "I'm scared."

"I can't stay here. You know that I can't."

"You can't leave me," I pleaded, and he stood up, tearing his hand away from me. That was one of the only times I had seen him lose his gentle disposition in place of a hurt, angry demeanor that brought fear to my heart.

"But I _have to!_ " He screamed, causing me to flinch. He pulled at his hair, breathing heavily. "I have to fucking leave you all alone, you don't have to remind me! I know how much it hurts you, Mark, and how scared you are, and how I might not see you again, but I just don't want to think about it!" 

It was new to me, to see him that way. To see him crying instead of putting on his content front like normal. He wasn't there to make me feel like he had it all figured out anymore. The truth was that both of us never had it all figured out.

I watched him face the wall, panting and crying quietly as I stood and walked to him.

Slowly, hesitantly, I buried my face into the angle of his neck and felt my body shake with sobs. He held me and stroked my back and my hair as his breathing became shallow with tears he was too afraid to let fall now that I was in his arms. I looked up and saw that he was putting on a strong smile, like he usually did. 

Im Jaebum was just a kid. He did not belong in the war. He was too good for this war. He had a family and dreams and a childhood to let go of, and like Jackson and the rest of us at Hemlock, he had everything going for him. Im Jaebum could not afford to lose his life. _I_ could not afford for him to lose his life. 

"Chin up, you're acting like I'm going to die there," he giggled softly, and I shut my eyes tightly as he took my chin into his thumb and forefinger. This time, it all felt so violently uncertain.


	3. SPRING. (final)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! the sequel (its more of a continuation) will describe summer and it will be longer than a typical chapter. It will be called “heaven would never be heaven without you” and I’ll try to figure out the whole series thing lol I’ve never done a series (even though it will only have two works)

It was quick. The snow stopped. Teachers relaxed in preparation for our graduation ceremony. All students had been accepted into a University or other establishment for the future. Jaebum had his successful physical exam. He would not be attending the school that he would've before, the same one that I'd been accepted to. 

He was going to war.

The snow was melting and the green grass took its place, signs of life showing everywhere except for my soul. Hemlock was beautiful in the springtime. There were full, blooming trees that I always loved to see gradually lose their flowers so I'd appreciate them more the next time around.

But that year, I wanted those flowers to stay longer. I didn't care if over time they began to feel monotone and uninteresting, or if they stopped feeling new. I wanted them to be familiar. I wanted them to be forever.

I watched my friends come and go. Jackson Wang unexpectedly came back, honorably discharged because of a severe allergy to a jungle plant he wasn't aware of. His future was once again certain and he'd be on his way to his full-ride scholarship. But he just wasn't the same anymore. You can lose a friend in more ways than one.

It was _so_ quick. The days passed like hours and the weeks just like days. I lost track of time. I tried to fit everything into the time at once. It was incredible, how much you can do in the face of an established end. Soon it'd be on to the next. 

We followed routine. We still visited Junho, and by that time everyone knew that Jaebum was going to be gone. He still kept his hair its usual length just for me.

We rarely talked about it. Everything was normal. I hadn't kissed him since the winter. I was just scared to do so because I didn't want to be reminded of what I was letting go.

I didn't want to feel temporary happiness, not anymore. He understood that. He understood it in the way that I didn't hold his hand as often as I did, and I cried to myself and not to him. He understood it in the way I struggled to find meaning in the places I went with him, like I was just going through the motions to gradually detach myself.

I was transparent to him. A crystal-clear glass, he could see all my intentions and act accordingly. 

He gave me what I wanted.

I hated him for that.

One of our last visits to Killbourne introduced us to something we were never brave enough to try before. Junho said it was necessary that we went to his house earlier to receive it from him.

With what little time together we had left, Jaebum and I eagerly agreed, arriving at around 6pm.

It came in the form of two little paper tabs. Mine had the sun on it and Jaebum's had the moon. He thought it was funny, giggling for a moment before looking at my mouth. 

"Open," he said, and I did, feeling him place the tiny piece of paper on my tongue. I kept it there for as long as he told me to, watching his own go into his mouth.

"It's not really a strong batch, so it may not surpass twelve hours," Junho said as the three of us sat in his living room and waited for others to show up. 

"Twelve hours? So this is...acid," I gasped in disbelief. He smiled and nodded. Jaebum shook his head next to me as I moved the paper around in my mouth. "Huh, I don't feel anything yet."

Three hours later, I was laying down on Junho's rooftop, Jaebum by my side. I could hear the music coming through from the open windows, my mind rushing to fill the gaps in the sound that I never knew were there. The sounds became visible- music looked like calm water surrounding me. Jaebum's voice looked like love.

I stood up, and the city had come to life, Jaebum lazily following me around to observe the sight with me. If I focused enough, I could make the buildings shrink and grow. I looked up to see that the night sky held gigantic, bright stars that I somehow could feel on my face. I looked down and I saw cars that were moving slowly, their paint pulsing different colors. I looked to my side and I saw the entire universe before me. I blinked a couple of times, tears surfacing in the face of his gentle beauty.

"How could I ever try to love you less?" I uttered out. 

He only smiled and took my hands and we danced just like the others below us were. It was the most fun I've ever had. To be on a ferris wheel in the golden hour of a warm June night, that's the feeling he gave me. Only even at the lowest points, we still felt so high up. What I felt at that moment with Jaebum by my side was everything I wouldn't get to feel and more.

His head was on my shoulder and both of our eyes were closed because the sights and sounds were all too much. All of a sudden, he separated himself from me and ran to the other side of the rooftop, calling me over. We had a race, pushing and playfully fighting as we both tried to reach the other end before the other. It was pure and innocent. We were on the bright green late summer fields of Hemlock again and I wouldn't change it for the world.

Five hours passed. The party was still wild with the guests who tried Junho's special drug, and he himself was having a field day in his main ballroom. Jaebum and I had spent a long time back in the house, sitting and listening to how wonderful every sound seemed to our ears.

I knew how beautiful Jaebum was before. Nothing could change that. Something brought out a part of him that I had somehow overlooked. He was the most beautiful thing in a very, very, beautiful world.

"Do you care to have a minute alone?" He asked me, and we were off to the rooftop once again, but this time he had grabbed a couple of blankets on the way. 

We laid down and watched the stars, and inevitably, one thing led to another. I wasn't sure if it was the time to do something like that- something I've never done before- in that state. But I was sure that I wanted to do something like that with someone like him. 

It would be very like me to make this recollection as chaste as possible. The only way to keep him in my heart was to remember these stories as frequently and as thoroughly as possible. That's how I kept him alive.

It started when he kissed me on the blanket.  That time, he wanted more out of the kiss, and as did I. I felt his hands all over me, his lips moving down to the fragile skin of my neck. 

I was in a hurricane of thoughts and emotions, and I tore his shirt off carelessly, exploring his body for the first time; his careful structure was burning up under my fingertips.

The places on my skin that he touched became golden, the sensation growing and spreading inwards. He got in front of me and lifted my lower half into his lap, hand hovering over my belt buckle. 

"May I?" I heard him say from above me. I nodded, words escaping into the warm night air. 

It happened in almost no time. He eased into me, and I grunted once he was in completely. I found his hands in the darkness and held on tight, feeling how he kissed away my tears. Slowly, he rested his body on top of mine, lips against my ear and voice concerned.

"Does it hurt?" 

"N-No. I'm just a little full. Does it feel good?"

"Yes. Are you okay?"

"I'm okay."

My stomach did flips. It was wrong. I was a part of a generation that condemned the deaths of drafted individuals in the war but turned a blind eye to the murders of people like Jaebum and I.

He lifted his body up to look at me and brush my hair away from my eyes, trying to assess my face and see if I was alright.

It was really wrong. It was a crime- that's what I was supposed to think. But he was the only one in this world who made me feel loved. He'd do anything for me in an instant, so how the _hell_ could something like that be considered wrong?

If everything could fade to nothing, there'd be no denying that I was still a part of him. Laying there against him, I got the feeling that I sometimes had when I saw the tree branches move violently in a daytime rainstorm. My heart was soaring in chaotic tranquility.

"I'll move, okay?" I heard amidst my thoughts. 

Over time, I got used to it all, bending my back and finding what I liked and trying not to cry in the sheer adoration I felt for him. Every motion I was made hyper aware of, every sensation amplified.

"Jaebum," I breathed, hands tightly grasping at the back of his neck and shoulders. 

"Can I..." he trailed off and I felt his hand slowly stop over my erection. "Can I touch you?" I nodded, biting my lip as he began to stroke it gently.

"Ah, it's-" I grunted as my hand fell over his, causing him to stop moving. "It's really n-nice."

Everything he did pushed me impossibly closer to the edge, and we had only begun. I wished that the effects of the drugs would wear off so I'd act like a sane person, but Jaebum's concerned face turned into an amused one.

"A little sensitive, are we?" He whispered jokingly, resuming his actions as I cried out, my nails digging into his working hands. He smiled and apologized for getting carried away. 

"It's the..." I breathed, more tears filling my eyes at the immense pleasure. "Screw you, Lee Junho." I squirmed around, further penetrating myself on him as he sucked in a rough breath. 

"It's- ah, it's good," he gasped, and I let my head fall to the side, allowing his warm lips access to my neck again. He rolled his hips deep into me and the action drew a pleased moan from me. I hugged his back tightly, feeling his bare chest press against mine as my lungs feverishly expanded for air. 

We lasted for a long time like that, despite the precarious position we were in because of the acid. I held back as long as I could. We were both strangers to such activities but not to each other. 

His broad chest shielded me from the icy cold stars above, his warm breath brushing tenderly over my face. I got closer and closer until I was grinding my teeth together, hands fumbling upwards for his dark locks.

Finally, my threshold was surpassed and I screamed his name in warning.

"Ah, I think I'm going to-" 

My wide-open eyes fluttered shut but it felt like I could still see everything. Jaebum's soft, desperate moans were clear in my ears. I was golden from the inside out, lungs burning up and heart on the verge of exploding. I must've been a sight to see. 

I opened my eyes and admired Jaebum who showed few signs of stopping above me, eyes closed and eyebrows furrowed together in concentration. His swollen lips were parted, and his own release found him a couple of seconds later.

And somehow, that wasn't the end. It was incredible- explosive, even. Acid was one hell of a drug and I never got to figure out what Junho was thinking when he gave it to us. We continued through the night, and as always nothing else mattered.

We came together for the last time just as I could see the sun peeking out from the horizon in the distance.He fell onto me and I held him, feeling him still deep in me as he gasped for air.

I felt a small fear in my heart that he'd be on to the next afterward. That after this there was nothing more for the two of us. 

"I love you," he sighed suddenly, hot breath on my neck. "I love you."

The fear began to dispel, because I realized there was more. There was still goodbye. There were still despairing nighttime discussions and shared tears and long moments of panic in his arms. There were still the parting words on the tips of our tongues, waiting to escape our pensive mouths. For good measure, just in case I didn't believe him, Jaebum continued to speak. 

"I love you," he repeated. "I love you."

I stared at his face the best that I could, only able to see his sweaty forehead on my chest.

"For all the times I should've said it, I love you. For all the times I won't get to, I love you." 

My hands moved up to stroke his hair, and though the effects had begun to wear off, I began to cry. I did it without much thought; all I knew was that I was suddenly crying.

"I love you and I don't ever want to leave you," he finally said, keeping his head on my chest even as I racked with sobs. My hand stuttered through his hair, stopping for a minute as I tried to pull myself together. Why did I ever think for a minute I'd be able to detach myself from him?

I looked down and felt the hot tears that trailed down my skin, mouth trembling open to speak to him.

"H-how could I possibly expect to survive after I let you go?"

Like the winter snow melted away, so did the distance that I had initially tried to force between us. We held each other as close as we could. We lived without regrets or fear of consequences, because we were in the home stretch of our time together. It was violent, the way my heart played such a trick on me. It was unfair, how the only thing I wanted to last was disintegrating before my very eyes. 

We were together in Hemlock's main courtyard when it dawned on me that there were only four weeks until graduation. That's when it struck my heart that the last time I saw him was coming quickly.

"Jaebum?"

"Yes, Mark?

I stayed silent. All I really needed was confirmation that he was there, at the moment, with me.

I wanted us to stay as we were, right where we were meant to be. Jaebum the well-known, boisterous athlete and I his inverse roommate, mind occupied with academics and luxury.

Some things could never stay the same. That's one thing we knew too well at the end of that spring where we lay under the last of the cherry blossoms, watching them flutter down with a bundle of sharp green leaves in their wake.

I felt the slow rising of Jaebum's chest under the back of my head, seldom feeling the fall; Jaebum did that when he was trying to calm down, he'd breathe in and take an eternity to breathe out. I felt my stomach flip at all the little things I'd learned about him, and how I'd potentially need to forget them.

"What's got you bothered?"

The answer, just as the question, took a long time to fall to his quiet, tired lips.

"You. Me."

"Okay."

What else could I say? With Jaebum I had learned that giving empty advice was far worse than doing nothing at all, really. His hand was removed from behind his head and instead it rested on my chest.

"How about you? What are you so worked up over?" My heart was going a mile a minute. 

"You. Me."

He let out a breathy chuckle at my rendition of his cool response. I looked up and reveled in his charming smile, somber words caught in my throat. 

His eyes traveled downwards to meet mine and his smile faded slowly. I looked back down, but immediately he lifted my chin so I'd look at him again.

"Chin up, you're acting like I'm going to forget you."

My heart shuddered in hope. I didn't want to live to see the late spring, the signs of summer embedding themselves into my mind. I didn't want to see the grass becoming vibrant and the leaves so bright and green. I just wanted to be with Jaebum where nothing else mattered.

I recalled how it had been the worst spring by far for me. How the tears filled my eyes quicker than before, each time I was reminded of something I wouldn't get to love again. I cried for everything that happened to me because of Im Jaebum. I cried for all the beautiful things I'd come to know, because not one of those beautiful things was made to last.

Because no matter how hopelessly you cling to something, in the end you're always going to need to let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hated that smut scene but like I already tagged it as smut so I needed to write it yikes it was bad but whatevs! Pls be patient with the next chapter lol it will take a bit to write and I gotta get all in my feels for it! Thanks so much for reading see you in the next one!!


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